The time has come to breathe new life into Halloween — to replace the confectionary-fuelled fun you enjoyed as a kid with the pheromone-laced action you want as an adult. After all, you probably won’t be spending All Hallows’ Eve donning masks and egging cars outside the house, so shouldn’t you at least be releasing your inner demons inside the bedroom? This is something that is easily done with the help from some Halloween sex positions.
This article is intended for entertainment purposes only; its content should not be taken as practical advice. It’s possible some of these are impractical, dangerous, and perhaps more importantly, may leave you or your partner huddled in a corner, with the warm tears of sexual frustration on your cheeks. Happy Halloween!
The Walking Dead
Listen, there’s a lot from The Walking Dead you don’t want to involve in your sex life. I mean, if you’ve seen the show [minor spoilers ahead] you’ll probably never look at barns the same way, and frankly I’m not sure you’ll want to make your next family vacation a camping trip either. On the other hand, nothing says sexy like the “trough” scene from season five’s premiere “No Sanctuary,” right? Start by having your partner kneel, and then gently but firmly tie their hands behind their back, and maybe their ankles too (use something more comfortable than cable ties, though)! Now at this point you’re probably thinking, surely we’re not about to suggest you attempt to brutally murder your partner, are we?” Well, good news! We’re not. Instead, what we suggest is sitting on a chair (extra points if your chair is actually a trough) in front of your bedmate and then have them give you hands-free oral sex, just like the characters on the show didn’t! Just make sure they’re not a “biter”!
Before you start writing us letters about this one, we want to make it clear that we’re not suggesting you set your partner’s head on fire while you do them doggy style. No, the Ghost Rider is much more humane. The way it works is that when the you ride your fuckbuddy, you put a white sheet over your head — all while resisting the overwhelming urge to make vroom vroom motorcycle sounds.
Tail in the Crypt
Let’s face it: The last thing that comes to mind when you think about sex is a high-pitched decomposing corpse; but don’t worry, our carnal take on the famous Tales from the Crypt TV series is much less creepy. In this Halloween sex position, you and your partner make your way under your bed (the “crypt”) and engage in anal sex (the “tail”) — we leave it up to you (the “crypt keeper”) to decided whether or not you’d like to annoyingly stimulate your partner with scratches to their back. This is one only works if you have a sincere appreciation for early 90s horror cinema, though.
Bobbing for Breasticles
This move makes for fun foreplay! Ladies, fill up a bathtub, strip down, and get in. Blindfold your partner and have him/her kneel beside the tub, with their hands tied behind their back. The goal is have your partner bob their head in until he/she catches your boob in their mouth! This activity is sure to bring out plenty of laughs and splashing around…which is perfect before you guys get down ‘n dirty! And don’t worry fellas, you can modify the activity and have your partner “bobbing for balls” if you want some fun in the tub.
Night of the Bonking Dead
In this ingenious brain-dead Halloween sex position, partners start off in a standard missionary position, but that’s when things really get dumb — er, fun. Specifically, neither partner is allowed to use their arms or legs to support themselves during intercourse, leaving both sex-starved individuals grunting, struggling and shaking in order to get off. Let the zombie bonking commence!
Only a blindfolded eunuch could watch Godzilla movies and not get riled up by the overwhelming sexual tension between Mothra and the radioactive lizard. That’s why we’re suggesting you and your partner try out the “Monster Mash” this Halloween. The premise is simple, but potentially expensive, depending on the cost of the outfit you’re willing to invest in. Go down the costume shop, pick out costumes for you and your partner, then cut out sections around the genitals in each costume. We assume you possess the filthy mind to deduce the naughty act that should follow.
Jack-o’-lanterns are supposed to act as guides for lost spirits in the night. But in our twisted minds, they act as beacons for downright nasty things. While your girl is painting her face with orange and black makeup, you’ll cut a hole in a box to act as the table. Your girl will kneel down with her pumpkin-looking head poking out of the hole. You’ll stand in front of her, aim for the gaping black grin and put a candle of a different kind into the mouth of this jack-o’-lantern.
Eye of newt, toe of frog… unless you’re completely bonkers, this stuff probably doesn’t turn you on. But here for Halloween is the first-ever sexy witch’s brew. Though swingers would probably have an easier time accomplishing this one, but your girlfriend and the girl she kissed in college will hopefully suffice. The key to this position is all in the setup (and Halloween’s lack of inhibitions): Fill a hot tub with brown food colouring, novelty eyeballs, Gothic candles, and two revved-up bisexual females. The bonus in this one is the post-witch’s brew shower, in which you’ll either get to clean your partners or sit back and watch evil take its course.
Have a great Halloween everybody. Why not share your favourite sex position in the comments. 😉